Classic Socialism Jokes

In celebration of the planned weekend festivities in Washington, D.C., I thought it was a good time to dust off some classic socialism jokes.....

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What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it's the other way around.

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What would happen if a socialist republic were established in the middle of the Sahara desert?

Within three years, it would have to import sand.

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Are there any countries where it is not possible to build socialism?

Yes, countries like Luxembourg are far to small for such a big mess.

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What is a sardine?

A whale after ten years of socialism.

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The Seven Wonders of Socialism

1. Everybody is employed.

2. Although everybody is employed, nobody works

3. Although nobody works, everybody fulfills the plan.

4. Although everybody fulfills the plan, there are no goods.

5. Although there are no goods, everybody has everything.

6. Although everybody has everything, everybody steals.

7. Although everybody steals, nothing is ever missing.

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Three stages in the competition between socialism and capitalism.

Stage number 1: Catch up and overtake

Stage number 2: Keep the pace

Stage number 3: Stay on the track

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What's the difference between capitalist hell and socialist hell.

In capitalist hell, the damned must lie on a bed of nails while a steam roller drives over them. In socialist hell, it is exactly the same, except sometimes there are no nails, sometimes the steam roller is broken and sometimes the driver is too drunk to work.

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    An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had failed very few students but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "Ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism."

     "All grades will be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade meaning, obviously, no one will receive an A." They all agreed to this. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a C. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too, so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

     The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To their great dismay the professor failed them all. Then he sent all of them this note: "A socialistic government will also ultimately fail - because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed."

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    Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs -- what her dad dismissed as "redistribution of wealth."

    She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that -- a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his, rather than benefit society.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. "You don't need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in this huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!" she lectured.

    To her shock and amazement, all The Donald said in reply was "Welcome to socialism."

    That's it? she thought to herself -- no argument? But before she could even think of a follow-up, he actually changed the subject! "How are you doing with your studies?" Trump asked her.

    Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

    She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

    The Donald was closing in now. He asked Ivanka, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

Ivanka, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

    Then Donald slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to capitalism."

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Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon. Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic. "I'm sorry," says Socialism, "I was standing in line for sausage." Capitalism says - "What's a line?" And Communism says - "What's a sausage?"

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Economic justice:

• America is capitalist and greedy — yet half of the population is subsidized.
• Half of the population is subsidized — yet they think they are victims.
• They think they are victims — yet their representatives run the government.
• Their representatives run the government — yet the poor keep getting poorer.
• The poor keep getting poorer — yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
• They have things that people in other countries only dream about — yet they want America to be more like those other countries.   

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