Monday, August 1, 2011

The Talking Budget Apocalypse Satan Sandwich Blues

Now that it looks like the budget will get approved by both houses of Congress, let's catalogue for posterity (compiled from Twitter hashtag #ConsequencesofDefault) the apocalyptic predictions of what would happen if the government really shutdown:

Beltway policy experts begin living by own wits; after 45 minutes there are no survivors.

Roving bands of outlaws stalk our streets, selling incandescent bulbs to vulnerable children.

Unregulated mohair prices at the whim of unscrupulous mohair speculators.

NPR news segments no longer buffered by soothing zither interludes.

Breadlines teeming with jobless Outreach Coordinators, Diversity Liaisons, and Sustainability Facilitators.

Cowboy poetry utterly lacking in metre.

General Motors unfairly forced to build cars that people want, for a profit.

Chaos reigns at Goldman Sachs, who no longer knows who to bribe with political donations.

Mankind's dream of high speed government rail service between Chicago and Iowa City tragically dies.

Sesame Street descends into Mad Maxian anarchy; Oscar the Grouch fashions shivs out the letter J and the number 4

No longer protected by government warning labels, massive wave of amputations from people sticking limbs into lawn mowers

New York devolves into a dystopian hellscape of sugared cola moonshiners, salty snackhouses and tobacco dens.

At-risk Mexican drug lords forced to buy own machine guns.

Chevy Volt rebate checks bounce, stranded owners more than 50 miles from outlet.

WH communications office reduced to sending talking points to Media Matters via smoke signals and log drums.

Potential 5-year old terrorists head to boarding gates ungroped.

Defenseless mortgage holders forced to live in houses they can actually afford.

Without college loan program, America loses an entire generation of Marxist Dance Theorists.

Embarrassing state dinners, as Obamas are forced to downgrade from Wagyu to Kobe beef.

President Obama places tarp over Washington Monument to conceal from Chinese repo men.

With the Dept of Ed shuttered, national school quality plummets to 1960s levels.

Anthony Weiner is forced to pay for own sex addiction therapy.

Displaced teenaged policy wonks organize under Supreme Warlord Ezra Klein.

Nation's freeway exits croweded with desperate bureaucrats waving 'will regulate for food' signs.

State Department diplomacy becomes 38% less diplomatic.

WH holds rummage sale Rose Garden; all HOPE merchandise, styrofoam Greek columns 95% off.

At-risk Mexican drug lords forced to buy own machine guns.

Airline passengers forced to pat-down their own genitals before boarding their flights.

With funding cut, research scientists may never know what a howler monkey’s favorite song is.

Huge spike in mattress label removal as populace goes haywire.

Cowboys must fund their own poetry

Some children left behind, where they belong.

We may never know how much toenail nicotine is present vs saliva swabbing (yes, *this* is actual gubmint study!)

We may never find out if rats on cocaine will abandon their babies.

Dept. of Education cancels programs considered to be non-essential such as Reading, Writing, & Arithmetic.

Next state visit to Britain all PM gets is a "Bowery Boys" movie collection on VHS.

Michelle Obama's vacations limited to watching the Travel Channel.

Nation's freeway exits filled with desperate bureaucrats waving 'will regulate for food' signs.

Government ceases doing some of the things it doesn’t have the constitutional power to do.

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